I THOUGHT WE’D NEVER SPEAK AGAIN

I THOUGHT WE’D NEVER SPEAK AGAIN           (The road from estrangement to reconciliation)           By Laura Davis, Harper Collins publishers, 2002, pp 342, $24.95(in US)            Reviewed by: Vijai K Sharma              Our relationships with others are very important in life, but are delicate like a thread. Due to some minor points, these may be subjected to stress and strain, causing slow or sudden deterioration. There may be breakdown in communication, estrangement, and hostility for several years, or a total break in relationship. Many instances are due to some misunderstandings, anger or betrayal by the persons involved. Such cases could be between parents and children, husband and wife, between children, between friends, victims of war and criminals etc. There will be many types of such cases, with each one being a unique one. But reconciliation and reunion is possible. Peace can be restored through reconciliation, by resolving the trouble spots in such relationships. An important factor, which plays an important part, is forgiveness.  The author offers lectures & workshops on reconciliation, and has written several books, 1.8 million copies of which have been sold worldwide.                 Besides Contents, a special Preface to first edition, Acknowledgements, & Introduction, it has 11 Chapters in 5 parts, in which “preparing the ground, marshaling your strength, opening the heart, making amends & finding peace” are covered. These are followed by, information about free reconciliation newsletter, Appendix A: Are you ready for reconciliation, Appendix B-Ideas for Reflection & Discussion, and Index. As per the introductory Chapter, with loss of a precious relationship, the fabric of life is torn. For repairing such damaged relationships, and changing blame to acceptance and love, we have to go step by step. Such steps are stated herein. It is like an action-in-progress. With passage of time and effort, different levels of relationships can be achieved. According to Chapter 1, no one likes estrangement. But if does happen, it causes pain, anger, sorrow, discomfort and shrinkage of life, especially when the relationship is close. When estrangement is severe and recent, reconciliation is very difficult. Factors like time, distance, wisdom, maturity, and experiences of life cause automatic healing, by fading and removal of the images of the events, blame and anger etc. Due to some events in the family e.g. death of persons, births of children, some close person’s life threatening crisis, we feel internally, or are forced by outside circumstances to reconsider such breaks in relationships. Chapter 2 states that all relationships need to be nurtured for making them healthy, for which Communication skills play a very important role. Instances of physical, sexual or psychological violence cause extreme shock, which cannot be forgiven. However, when the sufferings caused are acknowledged truly from within the heart, reconciliation can be achieved in reality. As per Chapter 3 we should list out and evaluate the causes of old points of differences, conflicts and complaints, ways the estrangement is helping in any way, and what it is costing. Based on our internal assessment, we can channelise our efforts and actions, and not become hopeless. We should look beyond the ways the wrong was done, and see a total picture. For possible reconciliation and its type and level, we should consider the strengths, weaknesses, capabilities and willingness of the persons involved on both sides. Even in a normal relationship, ebb and flow of closeness does take place. The sessions of mediation between the victims and the perpetrators, have to be carefully prepared, wherein the victims have to be allowed to speak first. As per Chapter 4, just before initiation of efforts for reconciliation, there is fear on both sides. It needs lot of courage and inner strength. However, one small step in the right direction can lead to surprises and miracles. Many victims suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, and they may have feelings of disinterest in life, or even think of ending of life. In such cases, victim-offender mediation programmes are helpful, even though slow. However, we must consider the positive and negative points of various factors, when either we are taking the first step towards reconciliation, or responding to such a gesture from the other side. We should proceed slowly, take risks in a gradual manner, have positive outlook and also make visible changes in the patterns of our behaviour. Chapter 5 advises us to have patience, never giving up and following the matter continuously. Often such reconciliations are richly rewarding, and ending on a happy note. The author writes about the concept of teshuvah or turning the life around, in which, the person who has wronged, asks forgiveness from the victim, and then changes his behaviour. For this process, we can have individual therapy, family therapy, religious counselling and the internal divine help. Above all, the long-term comfort should be the guiding factor. But it may not happen in one smooth event. There will be different stages and events in this process e.g. breakthroughs, setbacks, moments of determination etc. Distances have to be bridged, leading to a win-win situation. Sometimes amazing results have been achieved e.g. the victims and perpetrators of the victim and their relatives have come together, to stop things like violence amongst youth. As per Chapter 6, if we tell truth lovingly, listen honestly and have an effective communication, healing of the broken relationship will be possible. We should use right and appropriate words and tone, and analyze the situation correctly. Formation of family circles is advised, in which one person is allowed to speak at a time, during which all should listen carefully, and no comments should be made and only some clarifications can be asked through some questions. With honest dialogue, trust and respect for all persons and their points of view, reconciliation can be made. Chapter 7 states that we should not condemn a person, think of other person’s pain and be unselfish. We should see and accept our imperfections first, (and not make judgements on others) and put ourselves in other’s shoes to get a full view of any situation. The author narrates about the event, when an American soldier and a North Vietnamese soldier met, long after the war was over. There was more compassion and less hatred, since there was loss and sufferings in the war on both sides. Chapter 8 discusses about responsibility, humility and accountability. It advises us to continuously look within ourselves and examine our actions, motives, intentions and shortcomings. We must analyze our exact role, and accept our responsibility in the estrangements, apologize sincerely and change our behaviour consistently. This has considerable healing power.                 About the book, about the author & her photo have been given at appropriate places in the book, which the author has dedicated to her parents. Nineteen authors & directors of some organizations have given Praise & Comments. The book has 6 boxes giving summary of important points, 35 footnotes, 45 quotations, 2 poems & a large number of Case studies. Every page of the book gives hope and provides ways for reconciliation. It is a realistic guide. Summing up, by her powerful style of writing, she has made a very valuable contribution by writing on this topic. This book shares the keys for resolving troubled relationships & finding peace, through reconciliation.  It is useful for every one of us, irrespective of age, gender or country, in case we are in the need of reconciliation. It is equally useful, for avoiding estrangement with other persons in future, and continuing to have peace.                                                                                                                .................vijaiksharma